Friday, July 17, 2015

An elegy for dearest father



أبي..
هذا اليوم من 2012 , رحلت عنا وتركت في قلبي فراغ كبير 
أذكر هذا اليوم جيدا وكيف كنت أطرق بابا بعد باب أسأل الناس عن المساعدة.
بخاخ.. أريد بخاخ من عنده بخاخ.
لا أحد, كسر بخاخك يوم أمس والأن أنت بحاجة الى بخاخ
قف أين ذاهب الأ تعلم الوقت الأن, ممنوع التجول 
لكنه أبي لا يهمني أجراءاتكم, أريد بخاخا
ورجعت وشعرت بعجز وقله حيل وخوف وقلق ورعب
لم أجلب البخاخ ولم أجدك في المنزل.
أين أبي قلتها منتظرا جوابا 
قالوا أباك ذهب للمستشفى لعلهم يسعفوه 
هرعت أليك مسرعا بسيارتي لعل قلبي يطمئن, فهناك يوجد ما يمكنه علاجك
ووصلت ونزلت وعيوني شاردة, فأذا بشخص بدلا من أن يطمئنني يصدمني 
أبوك توفى , أبوك مات , أبوك الى رحمه الله
صدمة لم أستوعبها لحظتها ولكنها بمرور الزمن أنهكتني
 دخلت ورأيتك راقدا, مبتسما مطمئنا قانعا 
كأنك قلت للموت تعال أهلا بك ونسيت بأن لك أحباب في الدنيا غير مستعدين للوداع.

في هذه اللحظة غادر من كان يشعل شمعة الأمل 
من غير عودة وبلا أستعداد وبعجل
دنياي كانت حلوة ولكنها بغيابك أصبحت مره لا طعم لها وخوف وجفاء ووجل 
مزقت قلبي ووجداني برحيلك , فكيف لي بلقياك لعل قلبي برؤيتك يندمل
وكيف الصبر على فراقك يا أبتي فما أنا بمعتاد على فراقك ولا مستعد لرحيلك أبدا
كم بلغت وسأبلغ في دنيا حظوة, لكن سيبقي نقص في داخلي يقتلني 
ضياع, وحدة, فراغ ووحشة
خوف ,قلق ,حرمان ورهبة
رحلت فجأة بلا عودة ولكنها مشيئة الرحمن 
تأخذ روحا أليها وتقتل أخرى بدنياها الوعرة
فكيف السبيل الى وصالك ولقياك يا أبتي 
فبغير الموت دعائي له ما ينقطع
فلعلي بموتي أخلص من دنيا موحشة
فيها القتل والجوع والفساد منتشر
فيا رب أرحم أبي وأرحم جميع أحبتي الذين تركوني
فما لي في هذه الدنيا من حبيب ولا أمل
وبارك له مثواه وأسكنه فسيح جناتك 
فمن رباني وأحسن تربيتي لا يجوز له غير الجنة مكانا ومستقرا 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Chapter 5 - May


Life keeps rolling, my world keeps falling
  • The best way to forget something is to distract yourself.
  • I was reading inferno for Dan Brown, to be quiet honest, from the beginning it attracts my mind to keep reading, very informative book and quite interesting. Eager to read more from Brown.
  • We all have times to feel like we are living in a routine, this is what i feel at work. but even though, it will not break me and keeps me of doing a good job after all.
  • It is usually when you have a heart broken from someone, you get away from H/her, in my case, she is been all around in every working day.
  • I feel i am not able to control my life, i lost control, feel so tired, it is not like i want to, but i force myself to do things that not necessary to do for others. 

Adivce To Myself


Let your past makes you better not bitter.


Thursday, May 7, 2015

Chapter 4 - April 2015



A Person Who hates everyone right now Once loved someone so much. 

  • I Lost My smile, my soul and my life after losing her.
  • I Am trying to distract my mind: reading books one after another, watching movies from time to time, all gave me a temporary distraction which ends by time i stop reading or watching an interesting book/movie.
  • I Am trying to survive at my work, i feel i don't have any aim to proceed further, it is not the work itself but it is me.

Advise to Myself:
To avoid heart broken: Do Nothing, Say Nothing, Be Nothing
nothing is something to others

Friday, April 17, 2015

Chapter 3 - March 2015





You Can lose your pride to the one you love, rather than lose the one you love because of pride



  • I Lost her, completely; lost my heart with her.
  • It feels like my life is like re-run show, with minor changes on it. And the only thing that varies is that i am older in age, more experience and more disappointment and devastating inside. 
  • I was working on something that will make my life better on financial and work aspect; i am waiting for a outcomes of my results, will it be a new hope or another disappointment ?! 
  • An Old thought always jumps into my mind and i am starting to accept it: since my childhood, i decided to work on myself, practically and intellectually , always depend on myself to do things that i want to do from simplest things by making breakfast or hard things like take care of myself in all aspects, this all based on facts that i don't want to be dependable on someone and i am master of myself and ready to offer help when needed and preparing myself to live in the end: ALONE.
  • Whoever said books are best friend in all time, then i bow for him #almotanabbi


Thursday, March 26, 2015

Two sides of one story - صورتين لقصة واحدة


من المواقف الغريبة التي تصادفها بحياتك 

شخصين لكل منهما مشاعر أو أراء متشابهة ولكن متناقضة بنفس الوقت حول شخص/موضوع معين
والسبب حالتكما مع هذا الشخص/الموضوع أو كيف هذا الحدث ممكن يكون أيجابي أو سلبي وقت حدوثه لكِلا الشخصين
والمشكلة...
ما تعرف تأيد لو ترفض.
لأنه بالتأكيد أذا أيدت فالشخص الأخر راح يأخذها بمبدأ تفهم الوضع من قبلك
وأذا رفضت فراح يتفاجيء ويريد يعرف سبب الرفض وعدم تفهمك
خصوصا أذا عرف بأنه بطريقة ما هو جزء من السبب ويمكن أصلا ما يفهمك
 فالأحسن تسكت
لأنه السكوت علامة الرضا
أو بمعنى أخر تخليها على الله لأنه مليوصه من جهتك مو من جهة الشخص الأخر
حتى صورة مناسبة لهاي الحالة ما لكيت 


One of the odd/bizarre situation you may face in your life
two people have same but somehow opposite feeling or opinion about specific person/subject
 and this depends on your current status with that person/subject or how this event  will reflect adversely or favorable once it occurs to both parties
and the problem is...
you don't know if you have to agree or disagree.
Because, if you agree then indeed, the other person will see it as a sign of understanding from you
however, if you didn't , then you have to explain,  he will be surprised and curious to know why ?!
and what it's funny is
you can't say why ?! since this person somehow may be involved in it or may not understand
so, last thing last
it is better to be quiet when you face      
silence implies your consent
or in other meaning, let it go, the headache is yours not H/Hers


I Didn't find a picture to illustrate deeper



Monday, March 2, 2015

Chapter Two - February 2015


Every cloud has a silver lining.


  • I am very blessed in the beginning of this month, very busy in the middle , very confused in the end
  • Life is shifting direction to positive side in some points, resides in shadows in other points.
  • I love books, I need to buy books, at least i can run away to a world of my imagination not like my world.
  • Killing people is like a salad to some people, i feel bad if i have doubt of hurting someone feelings even without no intention to do so.
  • if you work on yourself , you will get a reward after all.
  • I feel like i am loosing her, she is pushing her self away, is it me ?! or what ?! 


Advise to myself 
Be Optimistic after all, what meant to you, will always be to you what meant not to you
well, you will figure out how to make it for you after all.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Chapter One - January 2015

In life
Helping Others is nice 
Helping too much is bad for you ONLY
but I keep doing it for same person, for years
  • They Say it's a new year, a new hope , a new plan & a new you, I don't see any.
  • I Am tired, confused and exhausted 
  • In the beginning of this month , i was wondering what she is doing ?! she is been in recovery since last month and back on 14th, she seems happy of outcome which is great. i was wondering if she thought the same back to me like i did. or not ?!  
Advise to myself

 If a man lives on his past, then he takes out the present and forgets about the future.
if a man ignores the past, he may take out the future and forgets his present.
Keep your past, learn from mistakes and live the present to seed the future like you want it to be.